Once a cheater, Always a cheater!

Not all men are the same! But yes! One lesson I have learnt in life is that Once a man has cheated, there is a good chance he will do it again.

As a trans-woman, you learn to let a lot of things slide! So what if your man is not completely perfect? Accept him – faults and all! Atleast that’s what I thought!

I was in a relationship with a straight man for 4 years – 5 if we count the period when it was a one way thing from my side. When we first became intimate, he told me very clearly that while we were a good match and that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, ultimately he would have to get married to a cis-woman because that’s what Indian men are destined to do. Get married and have kids and have a “normal” life. For marriage it would have to be a girl who looked good together in the annual Diwali pics on Facebook. 🙄

I appreciated his honesty and was perfectly ok with the “Friends with benefits” kind of connection we shared. I was desperate for intimacy more than sex and I was glad to get it in whatever form I could. And there was a small part of me that hoped he would change his mind and this could become more substantial! An orphan like me would then have a family again! What to tell you? I was naive!

He did have a steady girlfriend that I knew about – “D” – his colleague. They were to get married in a year. But I found out there were others he was meeting regularly – a girl he had gone to school with 2 decades back who lived in Mumbai, the wife of a common friend who lived in Gurgaon and so on. There was one side-chick in every city he visited every so often on work! When I asked him in jest about these other women, he would get super defensive and insist that they were just one time flings that happened before he met either me or “D” and he was “just friends” with them now. I believed him then. In any case, I wasn’t heavily invested in that relationship at that point. He was just a Friend with benefits.

Then inexplicably, he broke off with “D” quite abruptly. They had been seeing each other for 2 years and their parents had even met up to fix the match. The way he broke off with “D” was quite rude and abrupt – He didnt talk to her about ending the relationship or why he was doing it! On the way back from a Goa trip, He dropped her off at Bangalore Airport and just stopped picking her phone calls or responding to her messages after that! That was his way of breaking off a serious relationship he had for 2 years - ghosting her! The poor girl had no clue what was coming! I thought it was quite rude and inappropriate but I kept it to myself. He came straight from the airport to my place and announced that he had left "D" and wants to take our relationship to the next level! 

The way he broke up with "D" should have been the warning bell for me to get out, but I stayed! In retrospect – the stupidest thing to do! And soon after we became serious, I realised he had been lying - those 2/3 women were not One night stands as he had always claimed! He was still hooking up with those other women for casual encounters on his regular work trips outside Bangalore!

But the next 2 years, were the best period for me!  I had him all to myself atleast when he was in Bangalore! He spent every free minute of his time with me. He even introduced me to his friends circle and his family. I got along famously with his Maa! When he was shopping for a house, he insisted on taking me along with his mother to check out houses. I cooked for him even made Lunch dabbas for him! I was playing wife and loving it! I was on cloud 9 thinking that what had started off as FWB was now turning into a relationship! For the first time after leaving home in 1998, I felt like I had a family again in the form of a Mother in Law, Brother in Law and ofcourse his idiot friends! It was all a mirage – I just couldn’t see it then!

2 years later his ex “D” had returned to Bangalore. I got a call from her and we met up at a pub in Bangalore. She told me she knew about this other woman. I assumed she was referring to me. But she was referring to someone else – “N” – a common friend I had been introduced to 2 months back. She was clearly bitter about the way her relationship ended and that part I totally understood but I thought “D” was mistaken about "N" since he was with me! She was not as it turned out! “D” said something about him in closing that stuck in my craw –

“Once a cheater, Always a cheater”!

A year later, I was shifting to a new city for a year long assignment. Taking that assignment was intentional! I had learnt about these other women and I wanted time and distance to take some decisions! Before I left, we went on another week long roadtrip (his plan). We even discussed the possibility of him shifting to Delhi for a year. It was a fantastic roadtrip and I certainly had a great time. We planned to meet up again at a pub the next day and… pooof! He was gone! Just like that! No warning! Nothing! He didn’t formally end our relationship! There was no “breakup” meeting! One moment, he was in my life, the next moment he was gone! He just stopped picking up calls or responding to messages. Completely  Ghosted me out! It was THAT convenient! It was exactly the way he broke up with his last girlfriend "D". And the one before that "A"! He just fled from our relationship like it was a crime scene!

I don’t have any regrets that my relationship with him ended. I had no expectations or delusions by that point! A straight Indian man will want to eventually get married to a cis-woman, have kids and lead a “normal” life. As a trans-woman, I had a limited scope to play in that scenario! So I was not upset that it ended. What upset me was that it had to end the way it did! He could have talked to me about it! About moving on! He didn’t! He just fled like our relationship was a crime scene! It showed he didn’t respect the relationship we shared. Or me for that matter!

He did get married to “N”. And since we move about in the same circles, I know he has been cheating on her with not just the same 3 women but a couple of new additions as well. Hear it is headed for splitsville!

Not all men are the same. But yes – Once a man has cheated and realises how easy it is to get away with it, he is likely to do it again. And the SOP remains the same every time! Important to understand this when we get into a relationship so we are prepared and don’t hurt ourselves.

Listen up sister! How did your guy's last relationship end? And the one before that? Is there a discernible pattern to how those relationships ended? If it has happened before it will happen again! Be ready for it! Men are incapable of change!